EDIT: Totally had this all ready to go yesterday, but the scheduler didn’t wanna work so… here you go! And get ready for today’s ACTUAL post at the usual time!
(This entry is part of “Monster May,” a look at classic and iconic monster movies all leading up to the United States premiere of Godzilla on May 16. For more on what’s going on this month, check out our original post here.)
The Monster: The nightmarish half-shark, half octopus Sharktopus.
Average Size: Continually changing… no clear size consensus.
Claim to fame: Over the top, campy B-movie fame.
Well alright, maybe not the world. But the producers at Syfy sure did, and their movie Sharktopus intends to answer that question. And does it in the stupidest way possible.
You know what’s a great way to start a movie? Almost 2 minutes of boring opening credits set to stupid music. And that’s exactly how Sharktopus starts. It then gives 5 minutes of ridiculous scenes of people reading and eating and texting on the beach, as the movie emulates the opening of Jaws scene-for-scene with a Valley California girl getting chased by a shark. But it’s okay because the government’s new secret weapon, S11, stops the shark and turns around. Now, the government has a spacial collar that tells S11 where to go and how to act and stuff. Oh yea, S11 is the famed Sharktopus. It kinda looks like this:
Literally a shark-octopus. With spines. Cause spines are cool I guess. It was created by Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) and his daughter Nicole (Sara Malakul Lane) to be the “Navy’s new secret weapon” or something stupid. Because yes ladies and gentlemen, the US Government is made up of morons in this movie.
Well of course Sharktopus gets free of the mind-control collar and goes on a rampage eating everything and everyone because sharks are vicious killers with no impulse to stop. His first victims are some guys on the deck of the Queen Mary, which get killed with some less-than-enthusiastic last words of “not like this. Not like this.” Then suddenly we’re going to Mexico I guess!
We’re treated to more filler shots of people drinking beer and sitting on the beach. Cause that’s why I watch movies. To see people do everyday stuff. Seriously. 5 minutes of people shopping in Mexico.
After 30 seconds of expository dialogue introducing fired scientist Andy Flynn (Kerem Bursin) and a 2 minute shot of him playing in the pool and drinking tequila shots to show how cool he is, we go back to another attack where a dude just watches as a girl gets sucked under by the monstrous creature. Just an average day at a Mexican beach I guess.
And that’s the movie. I would tell more about the plot, but there’s literally nothing else to it. Andy gets pulled into the group because the only way they can stop the creature is to inject it with some nanobot things, but the nanobot injection thing can only be shot from a grenade launcher.
It’s like a bunch of college guys came up with this movie at like 3 AM while sitting around drunk out of their minds one Saturday night, and Syfy came along and was like “we’ll take it!”
And then cast it with Eric Roberts and Kristin Stewart’s acting partners.
Seriously. I haven’t seen acting this bad since Keanu Reeves in The Day the Earth Stood Still. And let me tell you, that was bad.
The only saving grace is the total self-awareness of this movie. Like, there’s a scene where a radio reporter is given the story. He asks why the heck anyone would make a half-shark half-octopus hybrid and when his assistant mentions it could be a movie they’re filming, he replies, “Oh, yeah, I can see that now – a former Navy SEAL slash oceanographer is tracking down this abomination before it takes any more lives!…”
… which is exactly what the almost non-existent plot of Sharktopus is.
Look here’s the deal: it’s Syfy. If you came into this movie expecting a classic that would live on the legacy of shark-terror movies, you’re dumb and you should feel dumb. It’s stupid and really has no reason to exist except to be made fun of and watched by people drunk enough to think it’s entertaining.
When the radio reporter’s assistant says she’d watch it, he replies “that’s because you’re easily amused. I’ve seen you mesmerized watching a frozen burrito rotating in a microwave oven.” And frankly, it’s only those people that would even remotely enjoy this movie.
Rating: Cut. Not worth it. At all.
(Tomorrow we take a look at a 50’s classic Monster romp! Come back for some awesome Monster action!)